Father's Day. A day when most people were wishing their father's a good day, having bbq's, golfing, whatever. Many people on my friends list had changed their photos to one which included their father. What did I do? I sent my dad a card, 2 actually. One from myself, and one from Ethan. I didn't bother calling because I knew his voicemail was still full on account of my sister having been trying to get ahold of him. Plus, what would I have to say.
Here it goes, I have Daddy issues. My sister's ex called me out on that one. He was right. But you know what? I am ok with that. Well, not "ok" with it, but I accept it. Sunday was actually rather depressing to me, because I finally realized, I have no one for a father figure. No one that I could look up to in that sense. While everyone was switching out their profile pictures, reminiscing on times past, or even those who have a father that is in heaven or wherever you believe. My father is still here, but he's not. In reality, he really never has been.
One of the biggest things in my life that made me really realize this, is him bailing on helping out with my wedding. One of the most important days in a girls life. I have been planning this day in my mind for as long as I can remember, and at this exact location that I happened to have a contract with, Wentworth by the Sea hotel. Back when John and I first became engaged, just over a year ago now, I discussed with my father my intentions of what I wanted. At the time, the situation was different. I was still working and had a car, John had just started a great job, life was going well. My father said he would be happy to help, even joked about robbing a bank (I told him he was being dramatic). John and I paid the initial deposit, and things began. Some time went by and the first payment was due. After some phone calls to my dad letting him know and also inviting him along for some dress try outs, he met me and my bridesmaids (which, she showed up extremely late for, missing the entire fitting for the bridesmaids and having to go kill time at a restaurant, which he paid the entire bill for everyone, all 7 of us, before we could go back for me to try on some dresses because we didn't actually have an appointment for myself, that was just for fun). He slept through me trying on the dresses. WHAT DAD DOES THAT!? Two of the bridesmaids that stuck around were in disbelief, my myself and my sister just kind of shrugged it of. That's our dad for you. I tried not to let them see I was upset, but inside I was hurt, and embarrassed. Of all things to sleep through. After he gave me a check for the next payment on the venue, and we went on our merry way. That was the last time he helped. However, it was not the last time I made an effort to include him in things. I had also invited him up to the Wentworth for the tasting. What a surprise, he showed up late to that also, to the point I couldn't really show the place off to him like I had wanted because John had left work for a few hours so we could go and had to get back. By Christmas, just weeks before our next major payment was due at a whopping $6540, it became clear that he was no longer going to help. My original wedding date was April 6, 2013. It is currently set for April 12, 2014, however at this point it may be cancelled all together. If it had come out originally that he really wasn't into helping, we would have been able to better figure things out. Maybe not, but we would have known not to sign the contract. Now as it stands, the hotel has been paid $3770 and if we cancel they keep that. If we wait much longer, we will owe them more to cancel. Granted, most of that money is my father's, but still. That is $500 of our money. $500 that could buy something awesome for Ethan, or go toward a new apartment. Basically, I am heartbroken.
Now, many people have been saying things like "if I could go back I wouldn't have had such a big wedding". It doesn't help. This is my decision to make. Maybe you wouldn't have such a big wedding, but why shouldn't I get to? What makes me less deserving to show off to my friends and have a good time? I know they mean well when they say it, but it doesn't help. In fact, it just makes me feel worse. Almost condescending. Like rubbing it in "haha we had a big wedding of our dreams". Great. Now my only option is a quick run to the town hall. What people don't understand, is I had almost everything picked out and planned. I had a vision. He took that from me. Most venues in this area cost about the same, so I can't just pick another spot. Plus most of what I have planned works around the Wentworth. I can't just take everything and move it to a country club. It wouldn't work. Like it wouldn't work in a church, or legion hall. Everything would have to be rethought. It took enough time and energy with a newborn, now you want me to do it all over again with a toddler?? What are you smoking! I liked, no I LOVED my ideas. I loved the vintage feel of it all, the antiques, the lace, feathers, and pearls. It all fit, it all worked, it all matched. Without the Wentworth, it means nothing. Maybe some people just don't understand how deeply I've wanted this, how long it has been my dream. Here's a clue. John and I have been together since December 7, 2001. When the Wentworth reopened in June of 2003 I called and "pretended" to be engaged to John, just to get a tour. That was 10 years ago. The place has fascinated me since childhood in its decay. I have just always loved it. If I could, I would live there. A wedding would just be settling.
Many people may read this and think that I'm upset about only a wedding. It's not just the wedding. Did I mention he was so late to my high school graduation that he showed up as everyone was leaving? Or how about the fact that he didn't show up to see Ethan when he was born, only came over a month later and only because I finally called him and said he should come see him. I've realized that everytime he has ever come up to see me, it is because I call him. He never makes the first move. He doesn't just call me out of the blue to chat. He doesn't call to see if I want to meet up somewhere. It makes me wonder, how many times as a child when he did come, who twisted his arm? I know my mom made him sometimes, but was it all the time? Often even when he would come take me and my sister, he would drop us off with my grandparents, or with his long time girlfriend at the time. Not that I didn't love them , but I wanted to be with my dad. I'm sick of being the only one making the effort. And I've decided I'm not going to anymore. If I'm not worth his time, he's not worth mine.
I want to close this saying that I know some of my family will see this. Maybe you'll disagree with me on this. Maybe you'll thing he's such a saint. I would like to add, that car of mine that I bought brand new that he apparently had told some people he helped me get? Yeah, that was all me. He had nothing to do with it. No co-signer, no down payment. All my 100% hard work. He likes to say he's there for us. He's not. He's a fake, a fraud, a phony. Believe what you want though, because deep down he knows the truth. These are my feelings. If you don't like them that's fine, but this is something I need to deal with and bringing it out in the open is the first step.
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