Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Another day

Last night I didn't sleep all that well. I kept having weird dreams and nightmares. One nightmare has stuck with me all day and I know is going to affect me sleeping tonight. More on that in a bit.

So my day started off kind of frustratingly. Is that even a word? Well it is now. I was supposed to help my mother move today only to find out the truck she was supposed to have wasn't going to be there after all. I still went and got almost the last of my belongings out of the house so at least that's not having to be worried about. Now I have to help out Saturday, and hopefully we actually have a truck and maybe some strong healthy bodies to help. It just irritated me because lately I've had an overflow of people saying "oh yeah, I'll help" only to back out at the most inconvenient time. My father a big example of this.  She's supposed to be out by the 10th, and so far NONE of the furniture has been moved. Anyway.

After that I came home and for the most part it's just been kind of a lazy day. Ethan and I took a nap, had some dinner, played. Nothing really out of the ordinary. 

So, now here we are. The day is coming to an end. I know I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. I just know it. The nightmare I had last night tapped way into my anxiety and I just can't get the image out of my head. Basically, I was cleaning the yoga studio that I have a work/study position at, and I was there at night (which isn't out of the ordinary, I think I've only gone once during the day). For whatever reason I apparently didn't lock the doors behind me, and was cleaning in the dark? I was approached in the building by a shadowy figure (because no lights were on, which I'm not sure what that means) who basically robbed me and the studio. I really don't remember much more than that but I know there was more to the story line. Just the whole shadowy figure and unlocked doors is what has me on edge. It's been almost 7 months now since my apartment was "walked into" by some guy that shouldn't have been there. The apartment complex just says "it's in your lease to keep your door locked at all times", well, it was 5:30 in the evening, plus if the guy who did it was who the police thought it was, he has actually kicked in a few doors and some windows, so if he wants in, he can get in. I'm now sketched out because I have heard stories (I have yet to see this) of a guy that has been lurking in the woods behind our building and has confronted another woman in our building. So since having that dream, which revolves around one of my biggest anxieties, I am on high alert tonight. All locked in. Lights on. The works. 

People always wonder why I stay up at night (and I always have) and this is why. What started it when I was little I don't know, but I remember things like laying awake at night in our apartment on Pommogussett Road (for people who know me know how long ago that was, for those who don't that was when I was 7-10 years old) and I would just think about destruction. The biggest thing I remember is when I first heard about nuclear power plants, and I would just have this image in my head of a fire ball rolling down the road coming to destroy everything. What child thinks like that?? Why would a child feel the need to worry about those things? 

My thoughts of destruction have only gotten worse over the years, and the more bad I see in the world, the more it seems to be encouraged. Now since having Ethan my thoughts include "how will I protect him from these things". I wish I could just be a normal person sometimes and worry about normal stuff, like using the antibacterial wipes on shopping carts. It can also be about anything. From more man made disasters (nuclear power plants blowing up) to natural disasters (earthquakes, tornadoes) to even the extreme probably will never happen (zombies). I've been told not to worry so much. If only it were that simple. To a normal person, it's easy for you to think that I can just stop my thoughts. I even tell myself to shut up sometimes, I'll even go as far as saying it out loud. Doesn't help. Part of this blogging is to see if getting it out helps. So, here is the beginning of an experiment. 

Now just in case it's not clear (because I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea) the destruction I think of is not things that I cause, it is things I want to avoid, that I fear. Now it also includes more personal attacks (such as being broken into). 

Anyway I'm going to go watch a funny movie now, try to get my mind off things, and hopefully go to sleep. I'll let you all know how that went later. 

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