Time for a crazy post.

So I am writing this as Ethan is crying in his crib. I have reached a breaking point. I'm sure I will have some people thinking "what a horrible mom" but you know what, it beats the alternative that some people turn to. As they say in the hospital, a baby can't hurt themselves by crying in the crib for a while when you try to collect yourself.

I'm not totally sure what started this but I spiraled down pretty quickly. I even yelled at Ethan when he head butt me in the nose, as if he meant to. That made me feel worse. I feel bad because he shouldn't have to see me like this. It's not fair to him. I feel like I am failing him as a mother, and I am failing myself. I feel so stretched thin right now though. Ethan needs me. The pets need me. My mom needs me. All these people and things need me, but what about me? Who  do I go to? I seriously feel like I have no one. I ask people for help and while I am grateful for the people who have offered what they can and I understand others have other priorities, I just feel like I have no one who is just there for me at the drop of a hat. While I feel like I am that to so many people. I also don't feel like I can just talk to anyone about this, even when people say "if you ever need to talk I'm only a phone call away". I feel like I'm asking too much sometimes. I also feel like people just don't get it. So, here I am, writing my worries away. I reached 100% on my "mental" scale. I'm probably back down to about 75% right now since putting him in his crib, closing his bedroom door, then going into my room and closing my door so I couldn't hear him. And just crying. Sobbing uncontrollably. What do I have to be depressed about? I don't know. If I knew, that might make it easier to fix. Sometimes you just lose it. I have now given up so much to try and make it easier to "stretch" for everyone else. I have given up my position at the yoga studio because I could never make the classes anyway. I am giving up school. I officially have nothing for myself now. Everything I do is for everyone else. What little money I did get back from going to school I would spend on Ethan. I don't even have clothes that fit right, or many clothes for that matter. The one thing I did for myself was get my hair done, and that technically isn't even paid for at this point. She has a check from me, but it didn't get cashed before the school closed my account. Now I don't even get that money. I don't even have a job, and I can't get a job because I don't have a car. I can't get a car, until I have a job. But I have to help find my sister and mom a car first. It's my own fault I don't have a car, so maybe I don't even deserve a car. Maybe this is all my own fault. Maybe I deserve to be this low. I just wish that for once I had someone to be strong for me. I can't be strong all the time, and it's getting harder and harder with each passing day. I can't even ask someone over because this place is such a mess. It's not because I don't have time to do it, well that is part of it, but it's more because I just can't do it. My depression is that bad that I can't even clean my own house. Ever been that low? Well I guess that's enough crazy for now. I'm almost better. Time for a few deep breaths. Motherhood awaits. He's been crying long enough. Time to be strong again.