First Blog!

Well here we are. Just about midnight June 3rd going on June 4th. I've decided to take up a blog, in part to give myself a spot to "let it all out" without clogging up the arteries of Facebook. Where it will take me, who knows. Please keep in mind, this is probably more for my own use than anyone else's, but if anyone really finds my writing that interesting by all means read away!

For people who don't know me, I'm Heather. I'm 30, I have a 10 month old son named Ethan, a fiance named John. We also have 1 dog, a crazy chocolate lab, named "Bandit"; 2 cats named "Cloud" and "Knuckles" or "Knuckle Head"; and 2 lizards, a Mali Uromastyx named "Ickis" and an African fat tailed gecko who still remains nameless. We are working on it... Right now we are all crammed into a 2 bedroom apartment. It's not bad, but before baby this apartment was "just right". Now, we lost our extra room.

I am an animal lover, as you probably got already. I always have been. It goes way back. As a kid I didn't have many friends. I also didn't have many pets as many of our apartments didn't allow animals. I had a dog most of my childhood, named Leda. While she didn't always live with us, she was still my dog. The thing with a dog, or any pet, is they love you unconditionally. They don't judge. I think that is why I have such a big love for animals. It really doesn't matter what kind of animal either. I'm not picky. Do I have a favorite? Well, I love horses, but I also love hamsters. It's really hard for me to choose a favorite. It's like asking a parent with many children if they have a favorite. They don't love any child more than the other, just differently from each other. They all have some type of benefit to me. Unless someone someday has a way to genetically alter a hamster so that they are large enough for me to go hamster-back riding. That's an interesting concept.

Since this is my first post, it's probably going to be all over the place, as it has been already. Really, most of my posts may be like that. Like I said, this is mostly for me. I'm used to be concerned with what others thought about me. I've learned my lesson on that. So, that said, if you don't like me or what I have to say, that's fine you don't have to, just don't think that you can change my mind. And feel free to leave. Nobody is forcing you to read this. If they are, well then you may just have more problems than me. Seek help.

I would also like to apologize ahead of time to my friends and family. I may talk about  you, but I will keep you nameless. I do respect all of your privacy. This is after all a way for me to vent, and I'm only human, you all do drive me crazy sometimes. Doesn't take much, I'm already mostly crazy.

So, a little more about me. I like to think of myself as primarily someone who follows attachment parenting. I breastfeed, babywear, bedshare. I don't follow totally by the book, but I don't feel that I have to. This is one thing that I will probably have endless rants on. Be warned. I see many bloggers out there that are so one sided on everything. Its all or nothing. And if you aren't following their beliefs then you are wrong. Between this and religious people. In a world of how many, you really thing everyone has to have the same exact beliefs? And follow it all to a T? Wow, what a boring ass world it would be! I plan on breastfeeding as long as he will. It will be over a year. I doubt it'll last into preschool. I already feel some judgement from people around me on this. I've had some friends who have judged other friends for breastfeeding longer (of course, these are guys doing the judging). Here is my say on this. 1. They are my boobs. Not yours. Not anybody else's. I decide what I do with them, when, and for how long. 2. You find it normal that you drink milk that comes out of a cows boob as an adult, so why is it so unnatural to breastfeed a little longer? That's like saying, "here child, you're a year old now, time to drink out of a cow instead". Just seems silly in my opinion. 3. Stop worrying about what I'm doing with my kid, and worry about yourself and yours. Yes, he is starting to eat solids and will continue to do so, I'm not only breastfeeding, but I'm not going to force him to stop. They are only babies for so long and I want to enjoy it for as long as it lasts. I love being able to just snuggle up with him at night and look into his eyes. At some point I may do a post specific to this with some research, but right now I'm just too lazy.

Now for a big part of me. I have depression and anxiety. There, I said it. When did it start? I'm not sure really. I know I first started seeing someone when I was about 13 when my parents got divorced, but I don't think it's something that just started, in fact I know I've had anxiety before that. One of my biggest things is death and end of the world type stuff. Of course I start thinking about it and it all spirals out of control. It's all irrational, and silly, and I know it. I just can't stop it. Since having Ethan, it has gotten worse, because now not only am I worried about myself, but I worry about him. Also having my apartment broken into doesn't help the situation either. Nor does the weird guy that has been lurking in the woods behind my building at night. Maybe I'm just overly paranoid? Sometimes I feel like everyone is out to get me. I've even had problems making friends just because I'm afraid they aren't really my friends, but just people trying to use me for something. It's hard. I've had a hard time making friends in general because of this. Some people just don't get it, they think I like to be sad all the time. I remember once, I had this "friend" (who is no longer a friend). I figured friends are there for you to talk to right? Well, apparently not the case because after a while of talking to her about my problems and my thoughts, instead of being supportive and listening, she instead told me I complained too much. She also made out with my at the time boyfriend on his bed while I was in the room. Nice person she was. It's funny, because at the time of our "friendship" it was during this big phase of "don't judge us for our appearance" and all that bull. Yet, I feel she was one of the most judgmental people in my life at that time, only I was blind.

Tonight I actually feel ok, at this point. Nothing major running through my mind. I have been preoccupied with planning Ethan's first birthday so that might be part of it. Also with moving preparations. Hoofreakingray. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be moving out of this apartment, much of my anxiety right now is because of this place. I just dread the actual process of moving. Finding a new place, getting the new place, and finally moving into the new place. That's a lot of work. In the hot summer no less. Yuck.

Well, I'm not sure what else to write about right now. Quite honestly my brain is fried tonight, and I really should get some sleep before our mommy/baby groups tomorrow morning. However, it's now almost 1am, and when I say "get some sleep" I mean I'm going to go lay in bed and maybe fall asleep before 3. Thanks for listening, I hope you enjoyed the show.